You Can't Win! on Lord of the Rings
by Lady of the Wolves
Summary: Three special members of the Fellowship appear on everyone's favorite game show! But the other six are in the audience...what will happen? Who will win? Can they survive evil host Anita Drink?


You Can't Win! on Lord of the Rings   
  
  
  
by Lady of the Wolves  
Dedicated to Kamuigustavusraoul *Lights flash, camera shots of happy audience smiling and clapping, cuts then to shot of host, while the theme song plays*  
  
A woman with shoulder length brown hair curled at the bottom smiles broadly at the camera, waving. She's wearing black and white checkered pants and a lime green shirt with hot pink high heels. Woman: Hi, I'm Anita Drink, your host. Welcome to this week's episode of "You Can't Win!"  
  
*Audience applauds and whistles loudly* Anita: Thank you very, very much! On today's super fabulous episode, our contestants have come all the way from Middle-earth. You guessed it, let's hear it for the - erm, people of the Fellowship of the Ring!  
  
*Crowd goes wild, everyone stands up, cheering insanely*  
  
Anita: Contestant Number One, please come on out!  
  
*Audience jumps up and down, squealing in excitement*   
A short hobbit jogs onstage, smiling brightly. He has curly brown hair and blue eyes and a very nice smile.  
  
*Crowd applauds, some go "Awww"*  
  
Anita: Contestant Number One is Frodo Baggins! He's the most popular hobbit in the Shire and enjoys journeying to Mount Doom with his friends to destroy the one ring of power!  
  
Frodo: I don't ENJOY doing that! I had to!  
  
Merry, Pippin, and Sam (in audience): He's not the most popular!  
  
*Frodo walks over to his podium...but he's too short and can't be seen*  
  
Anita: That's right, you have the ring...  
  
*Anita's eyes glaze and she looks all power-obsessed, but she shakes out of it*  
  
Frodo: Hey! Could I get some help here?  
  
*Chuckles from audience*  
  
Frodo: It's not funny! Stop laughing at me!  
  
*Crowd bursts into laughter*  
  
Anita: Now, audience....  
  
*Anita starts laughing, Frodo comes out from behind his podium and starts to cry*  
  
Audience: Awwww!  
  
Anita: It's okay, Frodo! Aw, can I give you a hug?  
  
Frodo: No! I want my Mommy!  
  
*Armed thugs rush onstage with a pink and purple stool. They place it in front of Frodo's podium and he climbs on and can be seen! The crowd goes wild*  
  
Frodo (happy again): Yay!  
  
Anita: Now, let's hear it for Contestant Number Two!  
  
Sam (in audience): It's Frodo, Frodo, Frodo! Why is it all about him?!?  
  
*Sam is tackled by a group of Frodo-lovers*  
  
Anita: I SAID, let's hear it for Contestant Number Two!  
  
*Crowd forgets Frodo and cheers again* A tall, dark man with dark shoulder length hair that looks wet and a beard walks onstage, trying to look cool.  
  
Anita: Contestant Number Two is a Ranger known as Strider, but his real name is Aragorn!  
  
*Wild applause from audience*  
  
Aragorn: Hey there, all you sexy chicks!  
  
Elf-Lady in Audience (Arwen): AH-HEM!  
  
Aragorn (meekly): I mean, hi Arwen!  
  
Anita: Aragorn likes to wave his sword around like he knows what he's doing and clip his toenails!  
  
*Laughs from crowd. Aragorn frowns*  
  
Aragorn: What's so funny?  
  
Man in Audience: Your shirt's inside out!  
  
*Crowd roars with laughter. Frodo and Anita cover their mouths, trying not to laugh. Aragorn's lip trembles*  
  
Aragorn: I'M SORRY, OKAY?!?!  
  
*Aragorn runs offstage, crying, followed by Armed thugs*  
  
Anita: Oookay then.  
  
*Armed thugs return with a struggling Aragorn. They deposit him in front of his podium*  
  
Anita: Erm...let's meet Contestant Number Three!  
  
*Everyone cheers madly*  
  
An old guy in gray robes saunters onstage, using his staff as a walking stick*  
  
Anita: Please welcome Gandalf the Grey!  
  
*No applause*  
  
Gandalf: Hey! Don't I get applause?  
  
Girls in Audience: WE WANT LEGOLAS! WE WANT LEGOLAS!  
  
*In audience, an elf man with a hat, dark glasses, fake beard, and trench coat looks around nervously*  
  
Anita: I'm sorry, but Legolas will not be on the show today!  
  
*Riot starts in audience; Armed thugs appear and fire warning shots, crowd settles down*  
  
Anita: Gandalf likes to break dance and point his stick at Saurman!  
  
Gandalf: It's not a stick! And I don't breakdance!  
  
Anita: Yes, you do! Now be quiet.  
  
*Laughs from audience*  
  
Anita: Remember, Contestants, you have three lifelines: 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE!  
  
Gandalf: I demand to know what the last one does!  
  
Anita: Okay, Gandalf! Audience...?  
  
*Audience members reach under their seats and start throwing bouncy balls at Gandalf*  
  
Gandalf: HEY!!! Stop!  
  
*Gandalf says a spell and raises his stick-er, staff, but the balls keep coming*  
  
Gandalf: What's wrong with this forsaken thing?  
  
*Looks at it; a green button flashing says LOW BATTERY*  
  
Gandalf: Piece of crap!  
  
*Gandalf chucks his staff angrily at the audience*  
  
Man in Audience: @#$%^&*! That hurt! I'm suing!  
  
Anita: That's enough.  
  
*Audience stops throwing balls at Gandalf*  
  
Gandalf: You totally messed up my hairdo!  
  
*Gandalf tries frantically to fix his hair, which looks like a dirty mop anyway. Frodo and Aragorn get up from under their podiums*  
  
Anita: All clear, Gandalf?  
  
*Gandalf scowls*  
  
Anita: Okay! Let's move on. Today's categories are....  
  
*Waves hand at pink screen behind her, changes to five boxes*  
  
Anita: The rock cycle, Japanese, JABEUKA, rodeo clowns, and the Backstreet Boys!  
  
*Applause from audience*  
  
Anita: Are we ready? Okay! Frodo, please choose a category!  
  
Frodo: Okay...I pick...rodeo clowns?  
  
Anita: Okay! And your question is: If Santa Clause could fly, how many chickens would lay eggs?  
  
Frodo: What? That doesn't make sense! Stop picking on me!  
  
Audience: Awwww...  
  
Anita: I'm sorry, Frodo, but that's not right.   
  
*Frodo starts to cry*  
  
Anita: Don't cry! It's okay, as a consolation prize, you get this log!  
  
*Armed thug brings over a log and hands it to Frodo, who stops crying*  
  
Frodo: I've never won anything before! I'm so happy. Anita: Well, actually, Frodo, you didn't win...  
  
Frodo: I didn't?  
  
Anita: No...  
  
Frodo: Why not?!?  
  
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!  
  
Anita: That's right! I'm sorry, Frodo, but since you got the question wrong, you have to get your feet shaven by a rabid kangaroo!  
  
*Audience cheers*  
  
Frodo: What's a kangaroo? Why are you laughing at me?!?  
  
*Armed thugs lead out a pink, rabid kangaroo with a sparkly purple razor*  
  
Frodo: Not my feet! Help me! Help!  
  
*Frodo tries to run away, but Armed thug #2 dives and grabs him*  
  
Frodo: HELP ME! GIMLI! BOROMIR-oh wait, you're dead. SAM, PIPPIN, LEOGLAS, SOMEONE HELP ME!!!  
  
*The Elf Man in disguise from before jumps up in his seat and throws off his beard - it's (gasp) Legolas!*  
  
Legolas: I'll help you, Frodo!  
  
Girls in Audience: THERE HE IS! LEGOLAS, WE LOVE YOU!!!  
  
Legolas: Crap.  
  
*Legolas jumps down and runs onstage; he grabs Frodo and takes off, then throws Frodo through a window and runs again; Legolas' fans are in heavy pursuit*  
  
Anita: Legolas! Legolas, I love you too! Wait!  
  
*Anita joins the mob, but is hauled back by the Armed thugs*  
  
Anita: Thank you. I'm quite alright, really.  
  
*Half the audience is missing*  
  
Anita: Contestant Number Two, it's time for you to pick a category!  
  
Aragorn: Aww, do I have to?  
  
Anita: YES.  
  
Aragorn: Fine. I pick....um....can I use 50/50?  
  
Anita: Sure! Let's take away half the choices!  
  
*Waves her hand; JABEUKA and Japanese have disappeared from the choices*  
  
Aragorn: What? Don't I at least get to PICK what's taken away?  
  
Anita: What?  
  
Aragorn: SHEESH.  
  
*Audience laughs*  
  
Aragorn: STOP LAUGHING AT ME, OKAY?!? I HAVE "ISSUES", SO WHAT?  
  
*Armed thugs glare menacingly at him, he shuts up*  
  
Aragorn: I pick the Backstreet Boys!  
  
*Audience cheers*  
  
Anita: Excellent choice! And your question is: who is Boromir's favorite Backstreet Boy, and what is his favorite kind of soup?  
  
Aragorn: Soup? I'm hungry....  
  
Anita: Unfortunately, that is not the right answer!  
  
Aragorn: But how do you know? Boromir's dead!   
  
*Studio doors open, a wet Boromir enters; crowd gasps*  
  
Boromir: I'm not dead! I was alive when you shipped me over that waterfall!  
  
Aragorn: Um, sorry? What's your favorite kind of soup?  
  
Boromir: Soup? I'm hungry...  
  
Anita: I thought you were Boromir! Get it?  
  
*Anita starts to laugh, audience joins in*  
  
Aragorn: STOP LAUGHING! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  
  
Anita: I'm sorry, Aragorn, but that is not right answer, so have to....  
  
Audience: BE EATEN BY GIANT, RADIOACTIVE, DERANGED RUBBER PANTS FROM MARS!  
  
Aragorn: What?  
  
*Armed thugs bring out the pants - they are pink with yellow and orange daisies and green stripes*  
  
Anita: Now, Aragorn, you need to put these on!  
  
Aragorn: But, like, they're not fashionable! They'd clash with my outfit!  
  
Boromir: Oh, I know! I just hate it when my pants don't match!  
  
*Armed thugs grab Aragorn and attempt to put him in the pants*  
  
Aragorn: NO! NO! ARWEN, SAVE ME!  
  
*Arwen is not in the audience, having chased Legolas with the other fan girls*  
  
Aragorn: BOROMIR!  
  
Boromir: What?  
  
Aragorn (halfway in the pants): HELP ME, YOU FOOL!  
  
Boromir: Excuse me? You pushed me down a waterfall and left me for dead and you expect me to HELP?  
  
Aragorn: Um, yeah!  
  
Boromir: Too bad! Forget the Fellowship! I've followed my dream and become a ballet dancer! Nutcracker, here I come!  
  
*Boromir puts on pink toe shoes and dances offstage*  
  
Aragorn: No! Wait! Help me! AAAGGGHHHH!  
  
*Aragorn gropes for his sword, but it's not there, having been confiscated by the author; Aragorn is stuffed in the pants and dragged away by the Armed thugs*  
  
Aragorn: No! Fashion...sense....draining.....  
  
*Audience laughs*  
  
Anita: Let's move on! Contestant Number Three, it's your turn now! Please choose a category!  
  
*Gandalf has fallen asleep; he leans against the podium with his head on top, snoring and drooling*  
  
Gandalf: Zzzzzzzzzz......  
  
Anita: I'm sorry, Gandalf, but that's not a category!  
  
Gandalf (talking in his sleep): But I wanted...to lick the bowl, mommy....Tommy always gets the bowl....I don't wanna lick the spoon....not fair....  
  
Anita: Ooooookay then. Gandalf, your question is: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  
  
Gandalf (waking up): Wha? Huh?  
  
Anita: I'm sorry, Gandalf, but that is not the correct answer!  
  
Gandalf: Huh? I was asleep!  
  
Anita: I'm afraid that since you didn't get the question right, you will be...  
  
Audience: THROWN TO THE WERESQUIRRELS!!  
  
Gandalf: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOT THE WERESQUIRRELS!!!!!!  
  
*Armed thugs approach*  
  
Gandalf: What kind of show is this? THIS IS INSANE AND NOT FAIR!!!  
  
Anita: Of COURSE it isn't fair, Gandalf! And why?  
  
Pippin (in audience): Ooh! I know, I know! It's because of second breakfast!  
  
Anita: Um...other people in the audience?  
  
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!  
  
Merry: That's discrimination! We're not people, we're hobbits!  
  
Sam: Yeah! Let's get her!  
  
Pippin: Let's get her what? Why should we get her a present?  
  
*The hobbits attack Anita; she shrieks and runs offstage, they follow*  
  
Gandalf: Ha! Take that, you awful woman! No weresquirrels for me!   
  
*Audience cheers*  
  
Gandalf: That's right! I'm tired of being the supporting actor! I wanna be the star! Move over, Ricky Martin!  
  
*Armed thugs tackle Gandalf and pull him away*  
  
Gandalf: No! No! I'm the only one left and I'm the winner!  
  
Man in Audience: No you're not!  
  
Gandalf: Yes! YES I AM!  
  
*Gandalf is dragged offstage and Anita runs on, panting*  
  
Anita: The winner...*puff*....of today's show....*puff*....is....me again!  
  
*Audience boos*  
  
Anita: YOU can't win...but I can! Ha ha ha - AAAGGGHHH!!!  
  
*Audience starts to throw bouncy balls at Anita*  
  
Anita: NO MORE! Fine, the big evil eye thing wins!  
  
Big Evil Eye Thing, aka Sauron: WOOHOO!  
  
Anita: You win $40,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, a mansion in Beverly Hills, Mongolia, sixteen thousand candles, and the ring of power!  
  
Lady in Audience: Let's get him!  
  
Audience: YEAH!  
  
*By now, the hobbits have caught up with Anita and begin the chase again*  
  
Armed thug #3: Be sure to tune in next week for another great episode of...  
  
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!  
  
  
  
  
And so it was that Sauron was not defeated by the Fellowship, but by a mob of angry game show fans......  
  
  
THE END  
  
Disclaimer: The characters are J. R. R. Tolkien's, except for the Armed thugs and Anita and the strange people in the audience. The plot is mine.  
  
  
A/N: I wrote another "You Can't Win!" Go me. Anywho, if you liked this, check out the other "You Can't Win!"s under my name in other sections.  
  
Please review! :)  
  
And the peasants rejoiced! 


End file.
